The subconscious is a powerful force. It is also a complete bastard if you don’t keep it in check.
The good thing: you can program your subconscious to do just about anything. The bad thing: if you don’t program your subconscious to your benefit, it can rule your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, and lead you to a world of anxiety and panic.
Along the journey I’ve found there were so many things my subconscious has been telling me for years, most of if false, that have undoubtedly fueled panic attacks. Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and emotions that were shaped by events in childhood, in high school, and many other times.
Your feelings about these events accumulate, whether those feelings are positive or negative. I still hated the high school bully who stole from me, beat me up, and was much too big for me to retaliate. Family challenges from growing up carry with me to this day and are still a voice in the back of my mind. The fear of suffering and death has long been a (bad) companion for many years.
In isolation none of these elements could sink a cruise ship. But then I realized one day the accumulation of everything was causing my cup to overflow. And that was leading me to panic. You don’t realize it’s happening. You don’t understand how you can be triggered into a panic attack watching the most innocuous comedy show…or walking down the street with your puppy on a beautiful calm morning. All of a sudden, it starts…you can’t swallow, your limbs go numb, you think you might pass out, your mind races, and you have NO IDEA WHY.
My hypothesis is that the accumulation of all the elements in my mind I was yet to process (see list above) didn’t need a trigger. They were lurking just below the surface, waiting to attack at any moment. And any source of stress (hello, pandemic) was a trigger to help them erupt. Fortunately for these little elements, we have been living continuously in one large triggering event since March of 2020.
Every single day we have been reminded how vulnerable we are. How frightened we should be. How we cannot trust anyone to not infect us. And these elements create some very real, predictable changes in your body. You secrete more cortisol (stress) hormone. Your adrenal glands work overtime because they believe imminent threats abound. You must find a way to navigate to get through and disarm your thoughts so they cannot hurt you.
What was my approach? Through the help of two very special counselors, I decided it was time to lay myself bare.
What do I mean by ‘lay myself bare’? First off, it’s not fun. It’s not easy. Remember I didn’t get here overnight so solving the problems won’t be an overnight change either. Over the course of 6+ months with counselors I have scoured my brain, journalled, meditated, explored, questioned, conversed, written, gone through every single element I can remember, in order to document them as items that need my attention. Each element must be examined, deconstructed, dissected, interpreted, re-interpreted, re-conceptualized, re-framed, then placed in a new location in your mind.
You have to identify every element that creates conflict and could be contributing to your panic, then examine it under an electron microscope.
It sucks. I’ll say it again. It really sucks.
Let’s go back to the high school bully. Yes, he beat me up. Yes, he took golf clubs from me. Yes, he punched me in the nuts and dropped me to my knees every week. Yes, I got endless wedgies and had belongings stolen. I hated him for it and I still hate his guts for it (remember, I’m a work in progress).
With my counselors, I also turned the argument around and rewrote my own history. I realized that bastard taught me how to endure. How to rely on myself. How to stay cool and let my golf game do the talking (most of the time he couldn’t beat me, even though he was 2 years older, 100 pounds heavier, and hit it 30 yards by me). How to grind. How to lose my fear.
Beat me up? I’m still coming for you. Take my stuff? I’m still coming for you. Publicly shame and humiliate me? I’m still coming for you. I’ll never stop. It’s not in my nature…I know no other way.
As much as I still hated his guts, I recently had to concede that I didn’t know his story. He could have been abused. He could have been slighted. He could have had a bad family situation growing up. Perhaps he was lashing out at me because he had no control over his home life. This helps to see from the other side, acknowledge what you don’t know, what might not be true, own it, and reflect.
I’ve not yet made peace with the memories of the bully, yet I continue to work through them. I realize they have a huge impact on the way I view the world. Just like every other area, I’ve laid it bare to understand my attitudes, reactions, and whether they are true. It’s a mixed bag.
Some traumas from our past are obvious (like the bully), others less so. Any event that helped shape your outlook, your story, your feelings is worth diving into and examining. It is likely those events impacted you in ways you don’t even realize, and it is those elements that could be causing anxiety and panic. You’ve got to go deep. As my counselor Sue told me, ‘have the strength to go after the really bad stuff’. Again, it sucks…but it works.
It is a matter of wash, rinse, repeat, for every area I’ve identified for exploration. It takes time. And each time I pick apart another area, the more I disarm it and prevent it from harming me. Given enough time and grinding through the emotional work, the elements that can do you harm are slowly disarmed and cannot be triggered in the same way as before.
That’s it, that’s the process. It’s a fruitful journey, yet a long and tough one. There are wonderful books out there to help, such as ’90 Seconds to a Life You Love’ by Joan Rosenberg, that help with starting the process on your own. I’ve had two outstanding counselors help me through my process. The secret? Get started. There’s much work to be done. It’s not going to be easy, yet I will attest that few other approaches have been as helpful in reducing the anxiety and panic.
houckOUT 